My first reaction to the title of this section was a sinking feeling. I am by nature a pragmatist, always accepting the darker side of life as a constant and not trying to fight against it. The possible down side to this trait is that I often feel that I give up to easily, and obviously when life is on the line giving up is not an option. Once I read the section though I realized that my acceptance of death as a part of life is not a negative trait. In fact, it might be extremely helpful throughout my career and my life. I have learned how to do this through first hand experience, as I have lost several very close matriarchs on both sides of my family. Starting when I was about 10 years old I was brought into the adult world of mourning and celebrating a life that has ended. For this I am so grateful to my parents.

Five years ago I had my closest and deepest experience with death. My great aunt Maimie was ill for 2 years, and I was with her at least twice a week during this time. She remained steadfastly independent, never wanting to take more help than she absolutely had to. Looking back, I wish I had given more gentle help anyways. More times of just sitting and listening, more talking and asking questions, and more touching. When Maimie’s illnesses became even more severe and it was presented to me as time to make a decision about whether to continue to treat her body. By scientific standards this body was ‘failing’, though the heroic treatments had been tried and the body had been treated in several separate operations to ‘fix’ this system or that one. It was time to decide now what was best for the whole person who lay in front of me. I called together my mother and aunt, the closest family members and together we decided that Maimie would not want to continue this way. Soon she was able to confirm for us that she wanted to go home, and I could tell with certainty that she knew it would mean her death. Bringing her home was not welcomed by every member of the family, some people believe in letting the hospitals take care of the ‘messiness’ of death. I was lucky though to have my own mother understand that Maimie wanted to come to her home, to be with us. At least this I did right. I brought her home.

The next step though, I not ready for. Though I had given birth twice, I never knew how much the dying body came to resemble that helpless newborn body I had held joyously against mine. It is not nearly so pretty and easy with a seventy year old body, or so I thought at the time. If I could do it over I would sit there every minute. I would hold her hand longer. I would moisten her lips more often to ease the cracking. I would have laid in bed next to her and held her the way she did when I was sick as a child. I would not have let her slip away quietly during the few minutes she was alone without being sure I whispered to her how loved she was. I did try, but my youth got the better of me. I shied away too much and allowed myself to escape to the calm of the kitchen with my 6 month old on my hip, distracting myself with any other task I could whenever I could.

The remarkable part to me is this: I learned. I now feel the loss of people much more removed from me than Maimie was. I allow the sadness to be with me and I look for ways to enjoy the lives around me right now. I hope that when the time comes to sit at that doorway with someone again that I have even more strength, that I can bear witness fully to their suffering and their transformation. I will hold their hand and sweep the hair back from their face without fear or repulsion. I will see the newborn in them. I will not regret the moments I am given.

As the mother of a boy and two girls, I find it easier to get along with my daughters than my son.  I hate saying this and yet it is true.  I understand my girls and share similar interests with them.  I find my son to be abrasive and rude at times (my judgements ….) and it’s not easy being with him.  Even with my understanding of Law of Attraction and how our perceptions affect our reality, I haven’t been able to shift this (yet).

With much love and gratitude for all the moms and all the children,
Deborah

I saw my maternal grandfather last week for the second time in my life. Considering I’m thirty-eight years old, I realize this is somewhat unusual. My mother’s childhood could be written as a Shakespearean tragedy:  parents divorced when she was two, her father remarried and moved to Florida when she was five; her mother dead in a car accident when she was 10; her father and grandparents fought a bitter custody battle, which her grandparents won; and her father left her. Completely. He did not contact her for the rest of her childhood.

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Playing games provides something remarkable to the people involved in playing together.  Normally I apply this line of thought to my four children.  They learn cooperation, grace, creative rule making, rule following, and a myriad of other skills while playing card games, board games, pencil and paper games, you name it and they are encouraged to play it!

But, it never fails… I consistently forget that the rules I apply in my parenting also apply to my other relationships.  My husband and I both have a ton of responsibilities and on top of that we each have our own interests and hobbies, so when we do have that rare evening to spend together we often just plop down to watch a movie together.  Basically, it’s easy and neither of us has to think much to hang out in front of the screen.  We do enjoy these movies, but it leaves no time for finding that real human connection I usually needed at the start of the evening.

Last summer though, something interesting happened on our yearly vacation.  My husband, B, and I were camping with the kids and they were (gasp!)  all tucked into an early bed at the campsite.  My book was in the locked car and I didn’t feel like going digging for it, but I remembered that I had thrown a word game into our travel bags during the last minute packing. We decided to play while we sat by the fire.  GAMES!  Why had I forgotten how fun it could be to play them with the person I love most in this world?

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