About Dad, My Dad
Even though I’m 40 years old, I don’t know how to be with my father.
He disapproves of almost every parenting choice I make. How do I maintain a relationship with someone who doesn’t value what I value? I bruise easily; I am very sensitive and empathic and intuitive (traits I admire in myself and that bring great good to the world). When I’m with my dad, I have to put on my tough skin and move into the logical, analytical world. I’ve had practice there (I earned two engineering
degrees) and I don’t like it there. I come from two different worlds.
My mom lives an eclectic life in Spain and Morocco. My dad comes from a conventional world; he’s a very successful businessman who lives a mainsteam lifestyle.
So how do I make peace with both worlds?
I practice a different style of parenting than both my parents did. It started with extended nursing, co-sleeping, and sling-wearing. Now we unschool, don’t vaccinate, and use homeopathy rather than allopathic
medicine, and have a wide-view of spirituality and purpose.
At first it was easier to ignore our differences; I could hide the fact that I was still nursing and just not discuss our health-care choices.
But now the children are older and aren’t reading yet and aren’t learning what is traditionally taught in school, it’s harder to ignore our different choices.
For some reason though, my dad feels more compelled to express his disapproval than my mother does. Perhaps that’s what some Dads do?
They are concerned with competence and skill in the world and will risk personal rifts in relationships to make their children stronger?
I so much want to be understood and accepted by my father. But perhaps that’s like asking mainstream America to understand my more alternative lifestyle. Just not possible. So how so I maintain a relationship with someone who doesn’t value what I value? I don’t. I’ll put on my polite face, talk about what’s safe, keep a distance, and inside, mourn how different we are. And still, I will keep looking for ways to connect with my father, ways to feel like we have a bond. I look forward to a better way of being together, and I’m aware that right now it doesn’t seem possible.
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May 24th, 2007 at 11:16 pm
I completely sympathize with you. I love my father and I was always closer to him, until I had children. Now he doesn’t approve of my choices, which are extremely similar to yours. The homeschooling is the worst–he was a public school teacher for 35 years and sees my decision to homeschool as a personal attack on his life’s work. I’m building a strong community with my mother and sister, who value my choices, and I want him there too, but I feel him growing more distant and uninvolved with every passing month. I want to draw him back into my life, and I don’t know how. I can only hope that when he witnesses my healthy, happy, intelligent children living a good life, he might be willing to validate my choices. Here’s hoping! I don’t know why he’d want to continue his current path–he seems sadder and lonelier all the time. It seems many people become more judgmental and less forgiving as they get older. I myself hope to do the opposite as I age. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship!
May 25th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
Hi Stacy,
Thanks for understanding — I was hesitant to write the blog because it felt too depressing … My dad is visiting as I write this and I’m discovering a new freedom. As I have given up on the need for his understanding and approval, I feel much more comfortable and am able to just be with him as he is. It feels like I had to acknowledge the loss before I could move forward.
Someone pointed out to me that the more I feel connected to my own power and innerself, the easier it will be to be at peace with my parents. That feels true to me ….
Thanks for connecting,
Deborah