When you are surprised with twins, so many expectations are chucked out the window.  I certainly knew that when my second child was born, my oldest would have to endure a period of readjustment when the addition arrived and he was no longer the focus of the universe. I had seen other children deal with the situation, and it wasn’t pretty. And no wonder! No matter how hard we try not to spoil our first and only child, it seems to be completely impossible to avoid doing so. God knows we thought we were trying! Now I can only laugh at our self-delusion. Parental restrictions, such as they are, are just no match for the day-to-day, minute-by-minute sibling wrangling, and I did assume that since we were having twins, our son’s transition from baby to oldest was going to be much more complicated.

I don’t think it’s been any more complicated than the average transition—just incredibly difficult! Our son was the focus of our world for three and a half years, and then two, count ‘em, TWO babies showed up and demanded more attention and need than he had ever dreamed of. It was fine at first. Over the first three months, my friends organized a daily rotation where almost daily someone would arrive with a meal and their children to help me clean the house, play with the three-year-old, and hold a baby or two. We were celebrities, the family with the twins, and we all basked in their kind attentions.

Eventually, everyone had to return their attentions to their own families and the upcoming school year, and then much of the time it was just my husband and me with our three children. It wasn’t until then that our boy understood what had happened to his life. And then, the proverbial fan was hit with a vengeance!

He began with classic bids for attention. He pokes one of the babies. He suddenly forgets how to dress himself, how to get his own snacks and water, or how to pick books up off the floor that he drops. If a baby cries, he pretends to cry, loud enough to drown out the offended baby. And I guess his regression isn’t a big surprise considering he has two babies to model. I could go on, but you get the picture. His father and I pull our hair out in frustration, because we often can’t see a way out of our quandary. We know our son wants more attention and he wants it now, we know he is livid about all the attention the babies receive, and we so often find ourselves paralyzed in what to do about it. We are often flat out as it is, taking care of the newborns and the daily mess they create. Even when our brains know why our son is pulling on a baby’s hand to see if it is removable, we have a terrible time curbing our immediate reactions. Generally we respond with something sensitive like, “Aaagh, stop that, you’ll hurt the baby!”

If we had another adult or two around, and we were no longer outnumbered, life certainly would be simplified, but not entirely—Logan wants his parents back, and while Nana, Grandpa and Aunt Mindy are certainly valuable, they aren’t complete substitutes. His anger and stress is a regular, palpable force in the house, and even our direct attentions hold it off only temporarily.

So what is the answer? If I knew that, I’d be making millions. But I have to say that much of it is simply a learning process, as any parent of more than one child already knows. Our son had to learn how to be one of a crowd, certainly, but the learning I didn’t expect was my own. I had to learn how to split my attention among three children when my previous experience was with only one. Without knowing it I was caught in the trap of thinking that since I had done this once before, I would be protected from most mistakes. Nope. This is a whole new ball game, and it has taken me all of 10 months to feel like I have the potential to parent all my children appropriately, according to each one’s needs. I can only hope we haven’t broken them in the meantime! Only now are we noticing bad habits we established months ago, many of which were created by the guilt we feel that we are only two and they are three. Only now do we take the time to find a rhythm in our day that works for all five of us, and I keep hoping that in this case, late is better than never.

Through the heartache and hardship, the piece that gives me hope was that Logan does love his new brother and sister. He is angry and frustrated with us, but he rarely targets the newborns with his resentment. And now when I see the three of them together playing chase and peek-a-boo, I feel much more confident that my oldest son’s trial has been worth it.

I welcome and ask for any and all stories you have to tell of how you eased your children through this transition, especially moms of twins and moms of more than two! I’m still firmly enmeshed in the learning process, and I have a long way to go.

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