Where’s my Village?
I don’t know who takes credit for the term “It takes a village to raise a child,” but it surely wasn’t said by anyone in this country, in this generation.
I KNOW it takes a village to raise a child. Believe me. When it’s four o’clock in the afternoon and both twins are sure it’s mama-hold-me time and the supper needs cooking and the four-year-old is asking for a story, it’s then I know that I’m not supposed to be doing this by myself.
And I’m relatively lucky. My husband works at home three days a week, and while I can’t pass a screaming baby to him on a regular basis, he can help me out of the really tough spots. And still, we struggle. We lose our tempers, we get tired, we get frustrated, often at the same time, and we know we’re not supposed to, because we’re the Mama and the Da and there’s no one else here.
I remember when I left college I was bound and determined to settle down ANYWHERE but where I grew up. This annoyed my husband, because where I grew up (the Albany, NY area) is a well-rounded sort of place, city and country in relatively close proximity. But I was tired of, and afraid of, going back. I’d found a new person in me while away at college, and I was so worried about the old, insecure, gullible me coming back. Going back to my childhood place where I was those things seemed to be foolishly tempting fate.
So we moved to Massachusetts. It was perfect. I could visit my family when I wanted to, or not, and I could happily continue our self-involved life. It was perfect, that is, until we had children. No one told me how much more I would appreciate my family, especially my mother, once I had kids of my own. Before the kids, I could only see my parent’s shortcomings. Now I wish I could do so well. And if wishes were horses… I wish my mom could come over this evening so that I can keep writing in case the twins wake up with gas again. Or that my sister could bounce the teething baby tomorrow morning while I have a cup of coffee. Or that my dad could help me rake the yard in the afternoon, then feed him dinner and a beer or two as payment. As it is, I am lucky, for my family works hard to come visit me once a week, and I make it out to New York once a month. We do the best we can. But it’s hard not to miss my village, tiny though it is.
Powered by MightyAdsense
April 28th, 2007 at 12:20 am
My sister and I once did the village thing. Our two families (she-pregnant, her hubby, her son 2.5, me, my hubby and our 1.5 yr old). We lived in a two story house with enough space for each couple to have 2 bedrooms, we each had our own living rooms (and a common room) and a play room for the children to share. We did this for 8mo. It was amazing. It was challenging but we made it work. When she was nearing the end of her pregnancy I would get up with the toddlers in the morning, let her sleep in, make the kids breakfast, etc. And after she had the baby I was so happy to help her. There is nothing like the gift of family. I know that if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t be the mother that I am today. She was my whole support system through my first pregnancy, she was my doula, too! All I’m saying is, Amen sister! And you were right on about a village…
May 1st, 2007 at 5:11 am
Stacy,
I too am village-less and know it’s had an impact on our family life. That’s why I’m passionate about supporting other mothers … Thank you for a poignant and honest post … my wish for all mothers and fathers and children is that they are part of a village, in whatever form it takes, so that they feel supported and nourished. It’s hard to truly admit the loss of not having others to help — that support and connection is priceless. Thank you for naming that loss in such an eloquent and real way.
May 1st, 2007 at 10:04 pm
Tara, your experience sounds wonderful! I myself have a sister whose role of aunt is the only one she’ll ever have, and I do regret that I can’t also be an aunt. But to have all that family in one house! It does sound amazing, and I give you a lot of credit. Our culture doesn’t prepare us in the skills of community-building, and melding two households like that must have been very challenging. You have many stories to tell, I’m sure!
My own lack of support for several years made me unaware how many women were in my position. I am blessed with a community of lovely women who support me regularly, and while they don’t replace my own extended family, they are a great gift. So are online communities! Thank you for your kind words, Deborah.