Me As Mama?
Eight years into Mamahood and still wondering what the plan is. I have said many times to myself that this is the greatest challenge I will be presented with this go around. Knowing and believing that I am where I chose to be, as are my children, makes it much easier to accept on those days…those days that I fail to do my personal best for my girls.
Who knew that this life experience would take me down so many paths that I am not prepared to walk. I suppose if I spent more of my pre-Mama life wondering about these things I would not be so continuously shocked. The shock is not about my children; they do and live what and who they are…true to themselves. The shock is, not knowing everything about MYSELF.
Then of course, the level of disappointment I have been placing on myself lately makes these shocking moments last longer, and then the lingering in the guilt for the actions I just took, etc, etc, etc. A very tiring and fruitless path to choose, I know. Now, being aware of choice and choosing incorrectly is aggravating at best, choosing incorrectly over and over because it is some sort of default mode seriously angers me.
This brings me to the heart of the matter. ANGER!! Something I have been working through or something that I have been allowing to work me over. I believe that anger is resistance to change. Of course I want to change this. Of course I want to RESPOND and not REACT. So I sit and wonder. Where is my power? My ability to fulfill my potential, my ability to make this change and stick with it. I have the tools why do I choose not to pick them up?! It feels like I’m looking at one of those pictures that if you stare long enough at it a dolphin will emerge from what originally looked like a collection of swirls and I just can’t see the dolphin.
I certainly wish I knew the end of this story. Still in process and looking deep inside to move towards this change. Make no mistake, I would choose no other path. Being surrounded by the beauty of my girls’ souls and living their experience with them is beyond words in description.
More to come. ~A
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April 8th, 2007 at 2:21 am
I look forward to any insights you happen upon, Adriana! More often than not, I can’t see that darned dolphin either–I can’t seem to remember to use the tools I fought long and hard to discover in the first place. Anyway, I know where you’re coming from. I hope this forum will help me tame my unhealthy habits, both in the writing and the reading.